his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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