fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
