I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
