idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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