Already got asked if we're dating
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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