My liver just broke up with me...
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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