Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
