I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Randomize
