please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
