She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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