She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
