Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
