i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
