I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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