this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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