My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
