You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
