Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
