Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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