I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
