Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
