I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Floor bacon is actually really good
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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