he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
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