dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
