I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
