i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
