at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
