No stitches, just platelets and will power
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
