So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
