Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
be right there i have to get my cape
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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