i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Randomize
