i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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