this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
