i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
