Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Randomize
