I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
