My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
