I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
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