I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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