New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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