I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
