Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
