I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Randomize
