I murdered the dance floor call the cops
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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