everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
