FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
birth control should be required to get into college
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
