We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
