Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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