Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
