Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
