You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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