just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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