Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
