why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
